The Doorknob Syndrome: Its Attributes and Challenges
After 47 years of interviewing clients as a lawyer, I have observed a recurring—and heartbreaking—pattern I call “Doorknob Syndrome.” It describes the reluctance of abused people to identify themselves as victims because the reality is overwhelming. As a result, they withhold crucial information that would establish the abuse.
Often I will spend an hour, two, sometimes three, with someone who clearly wants to speak about abuse but won’t. There is something beneath the surface, yet they remain silent until they rise to leave, hand on the doorknob, and, over their shoulder as they exit, finally disclose: “My husband hit me repeatedly,” “She spat on me,” or “He forced me to have sex when I didn’t want to.” Sometimes they will acknowledge psychological abuse during the interview but refuse to answer direct questions about physical assault or spousal rape. Despite many careful, leading prompts to expose what is plainly the elephant in the room, the full disclosure often comes only at the threshold.
This pattern means lawyers and other professionals working with potentially abused spouses must persist—asking the questions repeatedly, sensitively, and patiently—until they discern the true dynamics of the relationship. First and foremost, protecting a vulnerable person from further harm is essential. Equally important is understanding the couple’s power dynamic: Has the abuser acted this way before? Does the abuser expect to get away with further subjugation? How afraid is the abused partner, and how “powerful” does the abuser seem in the victim’s eyes? Answers to these questions shape immediate safety measures and future settlement or negotiation strategies.
Most victims are women and most abusers are men, but abuse occurs across all sexual orientations and gender identities, including same-sex relationships and against trans people. A smaller—but significant—group of victims are men abused by women in heterosexual relationships. Many abused men are even more reluctant than abused women to acknowledge their victimization because they feel emasculated and believe they should have been able to protect themselves. This perception overlooks the tactics abusers use to place victims at a disadvantage—and the real risk that a victim who defends themself might be blamed or arrested.
I recall a man who had been married for many years, later widowed, and then entered a new relationship in which his partner assaulted him repeatedly. He removed his shirt in my office and showed horrific bruising, swelling, and discoloration—some of the worst injuries I have seen. He described being hit, scratched, bitten, and having objects thrown at him, yet he could not retaliate because he could not bear the thought of injuring her. He kept imagining his late spouse’s disapproval and allowed the abuse to continue rather than risk harm to his partner.
Immediate safety planning is critical for those affected by Doorknob Syndrome. These clients are often long-term victims who feel intense shame despite bearing no blame. Lawyers should work closely with shelter workers and specially trained social workers to develop and implement safety plans tailored to each situation. For 2SLGBTQI+ clients, there are specific resources and community supports that should be incorporated into planning.
Restoring safety must come first; rebuilding self-respect and self-worth must follow. Survivors need protection and also the tools and support to reclaim their agency.
A common societal misconception is that abuse is only physical. In truth, abuse can be physical, sexual, psychological, emotional, or a combination—and it need not be constant to exert control. Even infrequent incidents establish a pattern if the abuser knows they can use violence or coercion and the victim knows they can be controlled. That ongoing power imbalance undermines the victim’s ability to negotiate or make free choices.
Mediators should take special note: mediation is an excellent form of alternative dispute resolution in many family law cases, but it can be inappropriate where there is a history of abuse. Survivors who remain fearful—whether because the abuser is present, nearby, or simply a looming presence in their lives—cannot always negotiate on equal footing, even if the abuser is not in the room.
Finally, survivors should be encouraged to seek psychological counselling. Therapy is not a sign of weakness; it is a proactive step toward self-awareness, strength, and safety. Counseling helps survivors understand the dynamics they endured, regain self-worth, and take informed steps to protect themselves moving forward.
