12 Things I Have Learned from 48 Years of Practicing Law and 44 Years of Marriage
Practical Advice About Relationships, Marriage and Family Law
After 48 years of practicing law and 44 years of marriage, I have had the opportunity to observe relationships from both a professional and a personal perspective.
Over the years, I have seen what helps marriages succeed, what places them under strain and, unfortunately, what ultimately causes them to fail. I have also seen the legal and financial consequences that can arise when couples enter into marriage without having addressed important issues beforehand.
The following are twelve points I believe anyone contemplating marriage, living together or building a life with another person should consider carefully.
Part Two: 6 Essential Lessons For Building A Strong Marriage
7. Full Disclosure: Know the Person You Are Marrying
Before entering into marriage, you should have a clear understanding of your prospective spouse’s financial circumstances and significant relationship history.
I am frequently surprised by how little some people know about the person they are marrying.
Financial disclosure is particularly important.
You should understand:
- What assets your prospective spouse owns.
- What debts and financial obligations they have. Whether they have outstanding loans, guarantees or other financial commitments.
- Their income and employment circumstances including the name of their employers and place of employment.
- Whether they have business interests or ownership in a family business.
- Whether they have obligations arising from a previous marriage or relationship.
- Including Whether they have financial responsibilities involving children from a previous relationship.
- Are they involved in ongoing litigation?
If you are contemplating purchasing a home together, you need to know whether the proposed purchase is financially realistic and how the mortgage, down payment and ongoing expenses will be funded.
You should also understand whether either person expects the other to contribute toward pre-existing debts.
Equally important is an understanding of each other’s significant relationship history.
This does not mean demanding an exhaustive account of every previous romantic encounter. It means having an honest discussion about important past relationships and how they have shaped the person you are marrying.
For example:
- Have there been several short-term relationships?
- Has there been a previous long-term relationship or cohabitation or marriage?
- Were there children from previous relationships?
- How did previous relationships end? Why did a previous divorce occur?
- Were there significant emotional or psychological difficulties?
- Are there continuing financial or legal obligations arising from a previous relationship?
These matters can have a significant effect on a future marriage.
I believe that being honest about the past before marriage is essential. If someone refuses to provide reasonable financial disclosure or is unwilling to discuss significant matters that may affect the marriage, that should raise serious concerns and amount to a serious Red Flag.
Also prior health issues must be revealed.
You should not enter into a marriage without knowing the financial and personal circumstances that may materially affect your shared future.
8. Marriage Must Be a Democracy
I have always believed that a successful marriage must operate on the same democratic principles as a country.
Both partners must have a meaningful opportunity to express their views, have those views considered and participate in important decisions and decisions one of the parties feels is important.
A marriage in which one person makes all the decisions and the other is simply expected to accept or comply is not a healthy partnership.
I am not referring to everyday decisions such as whether to buy grapes or oranges at the grocery store. I am referring to important decisions involving finances, employment, housing, children, large expenses and the direction of the family’s future.
Couples should discuss how they intend to manage their finances.
For example:
- Will they maintain joint accounts, separate accounts or a combination of both?
- How will household expenses be divided?
- Will contributions be based on income percentages or will each spouse contribute equally?
- How will savings and investments be managed?
- What happens when the parties disagree about a major financial decision?
There must also be a fair understanding of each person’s responsibilities within the household.
Who cooks? Who shops? Who cleans? Who does the laundry? Who takes responsibility for household repairs?
These responsibilities should be discussed rather than automatically assigned based on traditional gender roles. Should each spouse provide equal hours to household management.
The same applies when children arrive. Who gets up during the night? Who changes diapers? Who takes responsibility for appointments, school activities and childcare? Does one spouse stay home with the children? What if one spouse does want to stay home, but the other spouse wants a two income family?
The Role of In-Laws
Another important issue is the involvement of extended family in a marriage.
In-laws can be a great source of support, but they can also become a source of considerable marital discord.
I have seen relationships destroyed by parents or other extended family members who become too involved in the couple’s private decisions.
Couples need to establish appropriate boundaries and limitations on family involvement.
Advice from parents and relatives may be well intentioned, but ultimately the decisions concerning the marriage belong to the married parties.
The couple must be able to establish their own household, their own traditions and their own approach to family life.
A healthy marriage requires mutual respect and the ability to make decisions together without inappropriate outside interference.
9. Go to Marriage Counselling
One of the biggest mistakes couples make is waiting too long before seeking professional assistance.
I strongly believe that marriage counselling should be considered when the first significant problems arise, not when the relationship is already in serious difficulty.
A small crack in a relationship may be relatively easy to fix. When that crack and other cracks become larger, the damage can be much harder to repair and may be beyond repair.
By the time some couples seek counselling, they have accumulated years of resentment, disappointment and unresolved disagreements. In some cases, the goodwill that once existed between them is gone: the love has disappeared.
Counselling is not an admission of failure. It is an investment in the relationship.
A qualified and sympathetic marriage counsellor can help couples communicate more effectively, understand recurring patterns of conflict and work through difficult issues before they become unreasonable.
It is also important to recognize that counselling is not a guarantee that a marriage will survive. Both partners must be willing to participate meaningfully and face the issues affecting the relationship.
Nevertheless, seeking assistance early gives a couple a better chance of understanding their problems and determining whether they can be resolved.
Do not wait until the relationship is on the verge of ending before asking for help.
Checking in occasionally with the marriage counsellor may be helpful.
10. Children Bring Joy, but They Also Bring Responsibility and Stress
Children can bring extraordinary happiness and meaning to a marriage. They also bring enormous responsibilities and additional pressures, financial and otherwise.
Before having children, couples should make a genuine effort to establish a stable and respectful relationship.
It is not fair to children to bring them into a household characterized by constant hostility, ongoing arguments, emotional withdrawal or an inability of their parents to communicate.
Children are affected by the environment in which they grow up. They observe how their parents treat one another, how disagreements are handled and whether their home is a place of security and stability or of anger.
I understand that biological clocks and fertility considerations can create significant pressure, particularly for couples who want to have children.
However, couples should give serious thought to whether their relationship is ready for the additional responsibilities that parenthood brings.
I have also seen situations in which couples decide to have another child in the hope that a new baby will repair an already troubled relationship known as a reconciliation baby.
Unfortunately, a child cannot resolve fundamental marital problems. In fact, the additional financial, emotional and practical demands of raising another child can place even greater strain on an already struggling relationship.
Before deciding to have children, couples should discuss their expectations concerning parenting, finances, childcare, employment and the division of childrearing responsibilities.
Children deserve parents who are prepared to work together to provide a stable and loving environment. Observing conflict and anger is scarring for children and completely unfair to them.
11. Important Decisions Must Be Made Jointly
Joint decision-making is a fundamental part of a democratic marriage.
Important decisions should never be made unilaterally where they significantly or potentially affect the other spouse or the family’s financials and emotional health.
This includes decisions involving:
- Purchasing or selling a home or making substantial improvements.
- Taking on significant debt.
- Making substantial investments.
- Changing careers or accepting employment in another location.
- Relocating to another city or country.
- Having children or making significant parenting decisions.
- Supporting extended family financially or by significant time donations.
- Making decisions that materially affect the family’s lifestyle.
- Dealing with significant healthcare decisions including treatment.
The more significant the decision, the more important it is to discuss it thoroughly.
These discussions should not take place at the last minute, when one spouse is already committed to a particular course of action or the decision is already very time sensitive.
Both partners should have an opportunity to express their concerns, consider the alternatives and reach a mutually acceptable decision.
There will inevitably be disagreements. That is normal. Turning each decision into a major argument is not.
What matters is that both people feel heard and that neither person assumes they have the exclusive right to determine the family’s future.
Marriage counselling is also very helpful.
12. Marriage Contracts: Protecting Both Parties and Their Financial Futures
This is an issue that I believe every couple contemplating marriage should seriously consider, particularly in Ontario.
A marriage contract, commonly referred to as a pre-nuptial agreement, or “pre-nup” can provide clarity about the financial arrangements between spouses and help avoid disputes if the marriage breaks down.