12 Things I Have Learned from 48 Years of Practicing Law and 44 Years of Marriage
Practical Advice About Relationships, Marriage and Family Law
After 48 years of practicing law and 44 years of marriage, I have had the opportunity to observe relationships from both a professional and a personal perspective.
Over the years, I have seen what helps marriages succeed, what places them under strain and, unfortunately, what ultimately causes them to fail. I have also seen the legal and financial consequences that can arise when couples enter into marriage without having addressed important issues beforehand.
The following are twelve points I believe anyone contemplating marriage, living together or building a life with another person should consider carefully.
Part One: 6 Things To Consider Before And During The Relationship
1. Do Not Ignore the Red Flags
One of the most important lessons I have learned is that red flags should never be ignored.
I am not referring to differences in fashion sense, personality quirks or minor irritations. I am referring to serious warning signs, particularly controlling behaviour, psychological coercion, intimidation and physical violence.
I have encountered clients who experienced physical violence before they began living together or married, yet nevertheless proceeded with the relationship. Unfortunately, abusive and controlling behaviour rarely disappears simply because two people move in together or exchange wedding vows. Without meaningful intervention and change, it will become more entrenched and, in many circumstances, escalate.
A person who attempts to control, intimidate or physically dominate a partner before marriage may continue that behaviour afterward. Marriage does not cure abusive behaviour, and neither does cohabitation.
Although these circumstances are more frequently encountered in my practice involving male perpetrators and female victims, abuse is not exclusive to one gender. Men can also experience abuse at the hands of their female partners, and abuse occurs in same-sex relationships as well.
My advice is simple: take warning signs seriously. Do not assume that love, marriage or the passage of time will change someone who is unwilling to change and enjoys the sense of power.
2. Courtship and Living Together Are Not the Same as Marriage
There is a common belief that a lengthy courtship or a period of cohabitation necessarily prepares a couple for marriage. I am not convinced at all that this is the case.
Marriage is a different legal, financial and psychological and personal commitment from dating or living together.
Under Ontario law, married spouses have significant statutory rights and obligations concerning property, support and other aspects of their relationship. Common-law partners have different rights. For example, a common-law partner may acquire a right to spousal support after three years of continuous cohabitation, or where the partners have a child together and are in a relationship of some permanence. However, common-law partners do not have the same property division rights as married spouses.
3. Problems and Arguments During Courtship Do Not Disappear After Marriage
Couples who break up once or more during courtship because of arguments, incompatibility, disagreements or unresolved personal issues should ask themselves an important question: “If we cannot resolve these problems now, how will we manage the much greater challenges that may arise during a marriage?”
A wedding ring does not resolve incompatibility.
The stresses of married life can include job losses, financial setbacks, health problems, fertility difficulties, children, disagreements with in-laws on either or both sides and the demands of caring for aging parents.
These are real-life challenges, and couples need to be able to face them together.
I believe compatibility deserves much more attention than it sometimes receives. Love and attraction are important, but they are not the only foundations of a lasting relationship.
Couples should discuss their fundamental beliefs and expectations concerning:
- Financial management, spending and saving.
- Employment, career ambitions and financial responsibilities.
- Whether to have children and how they will be raised.
- The division of household responsibilities.
- Religious beliefs or the absence of religious beliefs.
- Family relationships and the involvement of in-laws.
- Lifestyle expectations and long-term goals.
Opposites may attract, but that does not necessarily mean that two people with fundamentally opposing values can live together harmoniously.
For example, if one partner believes that saving for the future is essential while the other believes that money should be spent as it is earned, this disagreement can become a continuing source of conflict.
This does not mean that couples must agree on everything. But it does mean that they should understand their differences and determine whether they can reasonably accommodate them.
I also believe there can be considerable value in professional matchmaking. A good matchmaker may bring an objective perspective to the process of finding a suitable partner, considering personality, family background, education, values, age and long-term goals and compatibility.
When people are in love, they often overlook important warning signs. An objective third party may see things more clearly.
Age differences and family planning also deserve honest discussion. Society has historically been more accepting of older men marrying younger women than of older women marrying younger men. Regardless of the age difference, however, couples should discuss their expectations concerning children, fertility and family planning. These issues can be particularly important when one partner places a high priority on having biological children. Adoption is not easy especially if the parties do not wish to adopt an older child.
4. Be Careful About How You Meet Someone
There is nothing inherently wrong with meeting someone in a bar, through friends, online or through a dating service.
However, there is a considerable difference between meeting someone socially and placing yourself in a potentially dangerous situation with someone you barely know.
Watch your alcohol intake on the first several dates and do not leave an alcoholic drink unattended.
5. Think Before You Speak: There are Words that Will Never Be Forgotten
One of the most important rules in any relationship is to be careful about what you say when you are angry or frustrated.
There are certain things that should never be said to a spouse, regardless of how upset or hurt you may be.
Statements such as:
- “I hate you.”
- “I never thought you were attractive.”
- “You are stupid.”
- “I cannot stand anything about you.”
- “My former partner was a better lover.”
- “I cannot stand it when you….”
The words amount to deeply personal attacks.
Words spoken as above can remain in a person’s memory for years. An apology may help, but it does not necessarily erase the hurt or the damage to the relationship.
There are already enough pressures in a marriage without deliberately introducing statements that damage the other person’s confidence, dignity and sense of self-worth.
It is particularly important not to use information disclosed in confidence about a person’s past against them during an argument.
Respect must remain present even during an argument.
6. Cheating: Understand What It Means to Your Relationship
Infidelity is not always understood in the same way by every couple.
For some, flirting with another person is a breach of trust. For others, infidelity involves an emotional relationship, or a physical relationship or sexual contact with someone outside the marriage.
The important point is that couples should understand what limitations they have established within their relationship. Even in a very short affair, you should be tested for a STI. You do not want to impose that nightmare on a spouse.
There is no question that infidelity can seriously undermine trust.
A brief encounter, a one-night affair or a weekend affair raises different issues from a long-term relationship with another person.
Should someone disclose a brief affair? That is a difficult and deeply personal question. Some spouses may ultimately forgive an isolated incident, while others may find it impossible to move forward. There are also important considerations involving honesty, sexual health and the other spouse’s ability to make informed decisions about their relationship. Even in a short affair, be tested, if necessary for an STI (sexually transmitted infection). You do not want to impose that nightmare on a spouse.
A long-term affair is a different matter altogether. It often involves an emotional attachment to the 3rd party, sustained deception and a significant investment of time and attention and perhaps funds outside the marriage.
The other spouse may already have suspicions or may eventually discover the truth through other people or by accident.
Continuing to conceal a long-term affair can cause additional damage when the truth eventually emerges.
If infidelity has occurred, the couple must confront the underlying issues. This may involve honest disclosure, appropriate sexually transmitted infection (STI) testing, rebuilding trust and must include professional marriage counselling.
Where there has been a potential STI exposure, both partners should seek appropriate medical advice and testing.
Infidelity does not necessarily mean that a marriage must end. However, rebuilding a relationship after a serious breach of trust requires honesty, accountability and a genuine willingness to address what has happened and hopefully there is love left in the relationship. Apology is required.
Continue reading: Part Two – 6 Essential Lessons for Building a Strong Marriage.